It’s Not a Linear Process – Self-Healing from Parkinson’s

Despite a truly miraculous day on Thanksgiving and expectations that things were going to just keep getting better and better, December turned out to be a challenging month for me.  I had the kind of days that made me begin to wonder if I was fooling myself to believe I could self-heal from Parkinson’s or that I had made any headway in fighting this disease.  I found myself entertaining thoughts that I don’t even want to share.  The physical symptoms compounded by a string of nights of interrupted sleep were taking an emotional toll on me.

I knew I needed to snap out of it and that serious mental work was ahead of me.  Somehow I had lost the perch of positivity that I had rested on for many weeks.  I just hoped I could get back there.

Searching for answers

I re-watched Joe Dispenza’s video series, Rewired, and luckily the 2^nd episode spoke to me.  He talked about how the mind is hard-wired to keep consistency in our daily lives.  When we disrupt our lives by making changes (like I had on Thanksgiving Day), the mind resists those changes and Dispenza warns that we should be prepared for resistance and dissonance caused by the change.

 I don’t know if there’s any science that backs what he said, but it sure described what I was experiencing. 

My coach, Howard Shifke, also had an analogy to explain for these “bad” days after good ones.  He once asked me, “Have you ever witnessed a pool being cleaned.” 

“Sure, a bunch of times,” I replied.  “I used to own a home with a pool.” 

“Good, so you know that when a pool cleaner scrubs the sides of the pools that they stir up algae, right?”

“Of course,” I replied. 

“And immediately after the pool is cleaned, how does it look?” he asked. 

“Dirty, worse than before the pool cleaner began,” I said. 

“Exactly,” he responded.  “When you get in there and start cleaning a pool, the immediate result is that it looks worse.  But you know better.  You know that the pool is in the process of being cleaned.  And sure enough, give it some time and soon it’s better than before.

“That’s what’s happening with you, Sheryl.  You are doing the work to heal from Parkinson’s and you can expect some great days followed by some challenging days.  But what’s most important, is that you remain focused on the fact that – like the pool – the “bad” days are days in which your body is still healing and getting better.”

I can’t say that I completely understand Dispenza’s explanation or Howard’s medically, but for now I realize that I need to have a plan for these “bad” days.  Because if there is one thing that’s been rather consistent for me so far, it’s that my days are highly variable.  I can’t seem to predict situations where if I do “X”, then I can expect “Y”.  In other words, having a lot of ups and downs with untraceable origins seems to be a pretty consistent aspect of this healing journey I am on.  At least so far . . .

How I view it

I believe that disease can be caused by a variety of things:  our environment, life choices we’ve made, viruses/bacteria, and/or negative thoughts, beliefs and emotions.  And I tend to believe that my Parkinson’s condition is likely the embodiment of past repressed emotions, thoughts and misperceptions that have been hard-wired into me mentally and somatically.  Some may be conscious and others may be unconscious.

So when I experience a break through day like Thanksgiving, it’s possible I may be disturbing some of my hardwiring. And the work to completely rewire those formative emotions, thoughts and perceptions – that may have built up over a decade or more – is no small matter.  Maybe I’ve shaken loose a belief or perception here or there, but  I am beginning to think it may just be that I need more repetition of new actions/thoughts/emotions to completely  reset the wiring in my brain to create strong, new neuropathways.    

Regardless of my theory, it appears I need to be emotionally prepared for setbacks after good days.  After Thanksgiving I wasn’t.  And I got derailed emotionally.  I caved.  Just the way Joe and Howard described.

I realized I need to have a plan for the next time it happens.  I need to be prepared.

January 3rd

On January 3^rd I had a really crappy night’s sleep.  My sweet Chihuahua was sick and I needed to get up to let her go outdoors at least 4 times through the night.  Additionally I was up frequently, not sleeping despite the fact I had taken 5 mg of Flexeril, a muscle relaxant recommended by a sleep disorder specialist I recently saw to help with the REM sleep disorder I have (a frequent problem for people with Parkinson’s). 

I don’t think I had more than an hour of undisturbed sleep throughout the entire night.  Each time I got up I felt myself physically deteriorating.  By morning movement was difficult.  I felt awful.

But a strange thing happened.   I realized that I could dwell on my condition and be legitimately distressed because my body was struggling to cooperate. But instead I asked myself, how are you doing otherwise?  And I realized that emotionally and mentally, I felt brilliant.  Yeah, brilliant! If I put aside my physical condition, I felt surprisingly good! 

There was such a dichotomy between my mental/emotional outlook and my physical condition; I didn’t know how I could hold such disparate feelings.  Then I recalled that I had moved through some challenging emotions about 6 days earlier using the Compassionate Inquiry approach I had taken myself through after watching Gabor Mate’s 2-day workshop in Toronto (more to be shared in a future blog).  The experience was monumental enough that I texted a good friend of mine that morning, telling her I had an epiphany.

So there was that.

Additionally, as I was falling in and out of sleep in the early hours of the morning, my mind was mulling over changes I was seeing take place around those I love.  Two family members of mine were making changes, moving through some challenges that had been affecting me emotionally. Because they affected me, I began to include them in prayers and meditations I had begun doing back in September.  What was crossing my mind that morning was the synchronicity of their making positive changes that could also benefit me.  I had to wonder if my healing work was influencing their lives?  And if it was, well . . . how miraculous was that?!

It gave me pause to think of the potential power of Love and prayerful intention.  And it reminds me that this healing work is clearly not a science.  We may never know exactly how things influence one another.  But the coincidence to me seemed pretty remarkable. 

And that takes me back to the question of why I felt so good?

On one hand there’s the emotional work I’d done via Compassionate Inquiry and on the other hand, there were healthy changes taking place around me that inspired and affected me.  Which was it? I can’t be sure. 

One last thing I’ll contribute my positive outlook on is to a deep connection I felt that morning to my Higher Self.  I felt at one with that part of me in my meditations that is the Observer; the quiet one that watches and sees and doesn’t get involved in the mental chatter.  That morning I felt strangely at peace with this body of mine that was crying out.

How am I, you ask?

And it was in that moment that I realized that I had a choice on how I characterized how I was.  Where did I choose to place my reality? If people asked me how I was doing that day (and truly wanted to know), what would I tell them?   Would I choose to tell them how miserable and exhausted I was physically or do I share with them how happy I am? What’s the story I will tell?

I made the choice that day to focus on the wonder I felt about life and the hope I had in my heart.  I was so full and happy, I felt I might explode despite the incredibly lousy night I had.

That day

Later that day, when I left the gym, I noticed how calm I felt inside.  I had to do a double take.  I felt calm?  That’s not normal!  I checked in again and I realized that, yes, I felt calm! I didn’t have any internal or external tremors! 

I let myself luxuriate in that feeling of “calm” in my body.  I was extremely grateful for it.  So I just held onto the feeling and breathed for several minutes.  I hadn’t had something feel that good since Thanksgiving Day. 

Looking back

Something new began that day, now 14 days ago.  Something good.  That day I figured out my plan.  I will remain hopeful.  I will look at things from the focus of my Higher Self.  It doesn’t mean I won’t listen to my body or check in on it.  It just means that I won’t get hyper-focused on my health condition and let setbacks take over emotionally. 

My coach has told me that everyone he knows that has self-healed from Parkinson’s has experienced these ups and downs. It’s not a linear process and we need to prepare ourselves for that. Hopefully, I will be better prepared next time.